Where to begin?

I am in my 30s.
I am ill.
I make myself sick after I eat.
I struggle with my energy levels.
I struggle with life.

I look in the mirror and a fat woman frowns back at me.
I hate my naked self.
I hate my clothed self.

My husband knows.
He is the only person to know.
He cooks me food and waits as I go to the toilet to purge the food from me.
He hears the running water.
He does not question my actions.
He doesn’t know how to question them.

Our life is governed by my eating habits.

I look normal.
I must appear confident in some of what I do.
But I am not.
I am dying inside,

I feel my body dying.
But I have children to protect,
They need me.

I am lost.